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Most people I see in
my office are yearning for the intimacy of a safe, warm
relationship, but are unsure how to achieve it. Many of them find
themselves sabotaging themselves, either subtly or overtly, in
their attempts to get close to a partner or, when they have found
a partner, find themselves indulging in behavior guaranteed to
alienate the other person.
What's the Problem?
The problem is,
that it is normal to seek the familiar. In many cases, when we
seek intimacy, we unconsciously repeat patterns in which the early
love relationships were infused with negative messages.
"You're bad", "You're stupid", "You're
the wrong sex", "You're the cause of all my
problems", etc. These messages get internalized and then
either projected onto the partner via identification with a
critical parent (or sibling) or re-experienced as if the partner
were the critical person in their past. Either way, the result is
distance and alienation.
What's the Solution?
I have found that
sorting out the messages we are sending and receiving is essential
to understanding and modifying the self-defeating behavior that
prevents a satisfying intimacy in relationships. Individual
psychotherapy can help you to do this. So can couples counseling, in
which you examine your interpersonal behavior and communication
with your partner in a safe, comfortable, confidential
atmosphere with a goal of becoming the person you want others to
experience and respond favorably.
If you have found a partner but are having difficulty maintaining
a comfortable relationship, couples counseling can help you decide
whether this relationship can meet your needs and if so, how to
maintain healthy boundaries and an equitable give-and-take.
Self-examination via therapy is not an easy step to take. It
requires an investment of time, money and emotional energy, as
well as the patience to stay with it until the desired goals are
met. But when it works, it changes your life in ways that will
help you reach and enjoy a comfortable intimacy in all your
relationships.
If you think you
might benefit from therapy, call for a consultation and I will
discuss with you which modality of treatment might best address
your problems. |
